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Every memory in that time hurts so much because it was a lie and makes me so angry and humiliated. My joy is gone. Why am I the one that this has to destroy? I feel myself sinking deeper into this dark place. I think its because it was THEM that it has trapped me. I got through and forgave him having a child with a woman and then hiding child support payments for years rather quickly. No one can fix it or cause it to make sense… for a good while. You have to just live through the pain, fighting to be a better you rather than a bitter you. NEVER blame yourself nor get down on yourself for neg feeling or reactions.
Do not trust his words ever… learn to read his actions. He will not change without help… counseling, 12 step program, and serious life changes. Im not a counselor— just seen, heard, and been through so much. If you even choose to try to stay w him …insist he goes to EMB conference. He may never change. Take care of yourself! Get into a support group and counseling to help your broken heart. I relate to these stages. The recovery time is quicker. Not marriage counseling, I am talking individual counseling.
This will help focus on you. I know that as the truth continues to be unearthed its supposed to be healthy…but oh God it hurts. But knowing that it is God that will serve punishment…I will not do so. He to his Judaism just recently, me to my Catholic faith soon after Dday, I hope his is the lifesaver to him, as mine has been to me. Perhaps he will comment. What you say is true about the importance of holding onto your faith — no matter what it is. I really was clueless during the whole thing. I was one of those who felt amazed at how perfect our relationship was and discovering she was having an affair was as devastating a feeling as I ever want to experience.
I was pretty much out of commission for three or four months. I think I might have dealt with it better if it were only a PA. But her giving her heart to someone — even within an addictive state — is heart-wrenching. It was how she reacted after the affair that really hit me. The withdrawal, the turning away from me, blaming me, that was worse. But it helped me be a stronger person. A friend of mine just found out his wife has been having an affair.
It breaks my heart. Part of the impetus to write this piece was to show that we as individuals can and will recover, but also I wanted to point out that as much as we might value or have valued our marriages, it is not what defines us. I had to let my wife stand on her own merits without any help from me and see if there was something new between us to sustain our future together.
It has definitely helped. Is this common after an EA? Withdrawal from the addiction of the affair. Your husband created a habit for himself with the OW. Depending on how honest he wants to be with himself, this withdrawal could take some time. She turned on me in a big way this was that dreaded Third month.
This happened to me too. I find I could deal with the affair although it was painful. It was the withdrawal, lack of empathy, mind games, emotionally cruelty and sarcastic comments that cut deep. I could not understand it. Really all the post has allowed me to deal with this behaviour much better. Otherwise I would be still living in an emotional and confusing fog. Thank you so much. We have been married for 18 years and she came forward after she got pregnant with his baby after 6 months of the PA. I have been kind, forgiving, and graceful, but that has not done a bit of good, though it may pay off later if she gets her head and heart right.
She treats me the same just as you described…withdrawn, lack of empathy, emotionally cruel and treating me as if she is the betrayed spouse. Just got past the 3rd month of agony and fighting depression, but just kept running to Jesus every time I felt it well up inside of me. I also would call counselors to get affirmation and support. I am feeling much better in this 4th month though I am now dealing with anger more. It is sick and perverted. What I hate the most is how she acts like he is some kind of hero…HA…he is a scoundrel and categorized as one of the worst kind of men one could be grouped with.
I have cut off communication with her except in relation to the kids. I am finding myself and becoming intra-dependant and I will be the winner in all of this. Though she is getting counseling and I think she is considering reconciliation for the kids sake. But that is not enough for me at this point. As one person said, I will only consider reconciliation when I see remorse, deep repentance, and empathy for the damage she has caused the kids and to me and to Christ.
She has to accept me as the father of the baby and I will happily raise the baby as my own child. The OM gets the minimal legal access to the child if any and she will never be part of the interchange for visitation etc. I really feel deep sympathy for you and your children! U had two big hits your best friend? And a child was conceived during this horrible event! Reading all the posts on this wonderful site makes it much easier to come to terms with how she is treating me.
Thank you Duane…for sharing even more. When you mentioned letting things go, such as anniversaries, does that mean you no longer acknowledge them I. After discovering they had 11 months of inappropriate contact up until June of this year, no date is unsoiled. I am 14 months past DDay 1. Not remembering dates is a curse now. How did you let go all that you did…pls help me with this, any advice even a starting point would be so helpful.
My H has not given me any special attention since that anniversary date in October which was 4 days prior to DDay 1. You seem to be where I need to be and I am nowhere near where you are. Stuck in a bad place…and here come the emotional holidays…again. We will renew our vows when I feel I have forgiven him completely…. Duane…I have to say that is one of the best posts I have ever read. It is absolutely true…all of it. I have to learn to let it all go…its no longer healthy for either one of us.
Affairs are awful blood sucking parasites. I think for the most part I am stronger and he actually looks like he has aged…alot. I like your analogy…dumb for a moment spouse. I am 1 year out of D day. I have gone through it all and still going through it! I can relate to all stages. I am back to the Anger: He is not hiding the emails and has been showing me, I have his email set up on phone so I can read his any times of the day. All part of trying to gain the trust back. Now I find myself wondering is it even worth it!
Seems now we are fighting more now then ever. My H has stopped talking to all people that know her, yet she keeps getting the email address. Its getting to the point of I want to confront her at her job. He told me yesterday that he would do that with me tow. I feel like he protecting her and what they had once again. I feel my feelings mean nothing to him. They are both to blame for what happened, but he at least stopped all contact. At this point, if he does see her and wants her back GO, I am not going to sit hone anymore. My question to everyone, he has emailed her a few months ago, and now in an email she wrote I know its your wife writing it.
Do we confront her???? My advice would be to ignore her completely. Your husband seems to be showing signs that he wants to be in your marriage. S I understand completely! It was only Urggg. Even the 10 min drive to go see his dad. Even on our Vac, we stayed local at a Hotel, he left so he could go see her for 5 mins. This was the day I found out. I needed some me time. To talk about how I felt.
I wanted him to go at first and he did to a couple and lied his way through it lol. I look back at me then and feel sorry for how much pain I was in. Now I am angry…stay angry. I went to counseling for me because at the end of the day if our relationship ends I still have to know how to heal. I have to learn how to deal. So counseling for yourself is a great idea.
There is absolutely nothing good that will come from confrontation. If you do engage with her at all, you and your H are keeping the ping pong match going! I see this as focusing on the wrong thing, person etc. Your H should have kept his attention at home and HE is responsible for turning to someone else…..
As to how she keeps getting your email address, there are a million ways to search email addresses on the internet.
These are not as hidden as one might think. You can change it again, but she will most likely find it. My H just emailed her back to tell her what he thinks, The first email from him to her. She is now becoming a crazed person. I am not sure if they will let it through but here is her letter to him today.. BTW he never made plans with her for anything lol.
She is reaching far. Do you remember last year, how you made plans to wake up in my arms Christmas morning? How you send to me, I was the only gifted you needed. Think to nov when you held me and said you love more then anything in the world. Do you know every time I see a car like yours my heart stops, I drive up to see if its you or her.
When I see someone with green eyes I think of you and if you thinking of me. Do you remember when I said you have green eyes, you said no they brown, I said no they are green. You said well the she always say brown. Steve can we pleae meet? Christmas night maybe at your dads? Is there no way to block her? I know you can set up numerous email accounts so that may not work. If she continues and you are in the U. They prosecute for this. Maybe you should tell her that it is a federal crime punishable by jail time.
He made it very clear that we would prosecute. Not a peep out of her now. I have experience both as the OW and the hurt spouse and it has caused me and many others irreparable damage. This woman obviously has never experienced this type of infidelity herself, or she would understand the awful pain she is causing you and your husband. It will drive her nuts. Certainly do not respond anymore. Your marriage is none of her business. I hope you can find the strength and grace to rebuild your marriage.
After 3 years of this business I am still trying, one day at a time. I am a little over 2 months after d-day, the holidays are here and it is even more painful, just thinking about all the things we could be doing for the holidays to be together as a family and spend this time with friends as well. Who would tell us we would be like this for the holidays.
Sometimes I feel like its just a bad dream, but reality hits and it hits hard. He tells me living with me was a living hell for 12 years up until 2 weeks before d-day he was always loving, caring , even talking about having a second child, not a behavior of a husband who is in a living hell. He thinks his problems,sentimental, emotional,finanancial, cheap excuses problems are going to go away by having an affair, he is so wrong!
Hes just added even more and aggravated problems for himself. He is still in the fog, and has not seen one bit of the tremendous damage, he has caused our family including himself. Now he blames me for the affair, I am hurting so bad, I wish time would fly yeah right because I know time is a healer, but for now I have to go through the emotional process, I have a lot of anger inside me and I hate feeling this way , but thats part of the process.
You are not at all to blame for his affair. Have you read Eckhart Tolle? He writes a lot about acceptance, surrender, resistance and taking responsibility for your life. Many of your posts seem to come from a different perspective than most others. Have you always been so inclined or is this something you have discovered since the affair? I love your moniker, Bluesky. People make dumb mistakes. Whatever they did is done.
One can either dwell in that or move forward.
I sort of feel lucky, too. My wife could have turned to alcohol or drugs, she could have spiraled into depression, she could have been suicidal. My W confessed and left me a week from her birthday, 2 weeks from our 18th anniversary, and I was in month 2 and 3 during Thanksgiving and Christmas. Every spouse is responsible to seek resolution to problems, not stepping out. It is a cop out, selfish, and deflecting and you will have a better chance of getting through this and reconciling with your H by being forgiving, but not accept blame for his lustful and selfish decision.
This will keep you from being manipulated and probably victimized again. Not to be too horribly unsentimental but an anniversary is really just another day on the calendar. It has made a difference for both of us. I used to keep track of the significant dates of their affair. My wife hardly remembers anything she wrote in those emails. She adamantly refuses to believe she ever mentioned love in relation to him.
Unfortunately we attach ourselves to dates or memories I think as a mode of control. My sister died when I was The truth is we make new memories every second of every day. Duane, this is such a great post, and it comes at a good time for me. I, too, have read the Kubler-Ross stages of grief and found many similarities. I have struggled with depression, panic attacks, loss of sleep and general emotional upheaval. Reading your post gives me a renewed sense of hope and is a reminder that all these feelings are a normal part of the process.
Thanks for sharing your experience and for being so eloquent in your description of the healing process. Best of luck to you. Can you elaborate on that point? Is this a fear of being hurt again? How did you ultimately set your ego aside? Again, can you tell me more about that? Eternal kudos to Linda and Doug for sticking around.
Like so many of us, I wanted things to be the way they used to be and I wanted that to happen right now. But there is simply a process we all must pass through in order to heal. There are no short-cuts in affair recovery and the more we try to find them the longer the process of recovery is going to take. They have to grieve, we have to vent — preferably to a therapist who can offer constructive outlets.
It simply has to happen organically. There will be pain and suffering and discomfort, but this is a serious wound, much more so than a heart-attack or loss of limb. This strikes at the very soul. We can only endure it. Likewise with the first question. Early on when I was angry or frightened or paranoid I would lash out or demand we talk or storm out of the house. I sat on the issue for a while to see if it really bothered me or if perhaps I was just having a bad day. Talking about the affair less and less I found we had more room to communicate about our future, not our past.
I have a lot more now than I ever did. I had to build a bridge and get over it! Or am I expecting to much? Am I wanting to much from him? If I ignore the EA, and act like it never happened, put a smile on my face…he is happy! This is like reading a novel, and i like to skip to the end to see if it has a happy ending. Im in the year June. How does your story end?
Are you happy together now? Did he stay faithful? Did your heart heal? What helped you most? This is a wonderful summary of things! My H and I have been together over 32 years. We almost divorced about 25 years ago because he was an alcoholic 4th generation alcoholic by the way!
He stopped for 13 years. He began drinking socially but it has escalated to at least 3 drinks every day again. I warned him that I would not tolerate being verbally abused again, and since the EA I have taken responsibility for voicing my issues and concerns regarding the marriage used to keep quiet to avoid fights. His EA was with an old girlfriend. I use to worry alot about that too…ifr my husband really could change or how soon he would return to his old behavior.
It still rears its ugly head on occasion and I see what he use to be. The bottom line is you cant control what he does. You will never know if he will want to do it again and the attitude of no one tells me what to do has to go. When we are in a relationship there is no room for that selfish behavior.
They have to want to put your feelings and your relationship first. Alcohol only adds to the fire. My H also gets very flirty when he drinks…. Duane, thanks for your reply. This makes a lot of sense. The marathon talks, the vitriol, the snide remarks I make about the OW, the storming and venting—it takes a toll and feels like a setback. Sometimes I find that we just need to change gears. Sit down and watch one of our favorite shows together, work on a puzzle with our daughter, ANYTHING to get away from the heavy conversations about the affair.
At this point, between marriage counseling and our individual counseling, we have explored the affair and why it happened. I really like what you said about the inner child. But there are no shortcuts. I can already see that I will emerge from this process with a different set of emotional tools, as will H. In those moments, I can see how the marriage could actually be stronger because we have both used the opportunity to grow and learn both individually and as a couple.
Thanks again for a great post. I know I will return to this many times as a reminder that this is all part of the journey. I can tell you that I really was hoping my wife and I had turned a corner after one year only to find that she still felt she had work to do before really committing to us. As recently as August 20 months post DDay my frustration was so overwhelming that I thought for sure we had reached the end. But we kept talking, kept being honest. The sad truth is that we, the betrayed, are the ones who have to force the issue, to fight for the marriage, to make the sacrifices and swallow our pride.
If our spouses were strong enough to do that they might not have strayed in the first place. Either you join me in this fight or you move on. I tried ultimatums with my wife, pleading with her, reasoning, but in the end I feel it was when I kind of gave up that she began coming around. They will do what they will do and the only control we have is in how we choose our response to that. I will tell you that 3 months is a short time for both of you to expect serious changes in behavior. Patience is key here and he hopefully will come around.
Everyone will tell you that this is the time to work on you. I will add that I hope you never again stand for abuse of any kind. This is a really great post, D. I really like the insights shared and the advice given in the comments. It is great to hear from some farther out, as it gives me a lot of hope that we can be in a better place. Thanks for all the comments, and Anne, I really liked all your questions, because those are things I am dealing with as well. I just had a marathon discussion…which started off horribly, but ended good. I am hopeful which was better than the past few days of despair, grief, and anger.
D- thanks so much for your response, this group is so wonderful and gives me comfort that I am not alone, or hiding in the shadows, trying to blend in and act like everything is fine!! I wanted you to know that something in your response really got to me….. I suddenly have developed total apathy! I am basically walking around like a puppet, void of any emotion, good or bad.
We are working on rebuilding and have made a committment to each other to try, but all we have is very basic, general conversation and performing necessary tasks together. Has anyone else gone through this, what does it mean? I feel guilty, because I do think I want it to work and maybe this behavior is damaging to the rebuilding process. What if your husband is not willing to talk about the affair? What if he is stonewalling, and then gets angry and defensive if you try to break through? How do you deal with the ongoing lies — about just about everything.
I have been assured its over but she is studying and its the 3 month summer break now, so I guess its only over because she is has physically gone away. I get different answers — or no answers- every time I ask the same questions? He is constantly lying and then lies again to cover himself.
I have found stashes of cash — hidden from me- stashes of porn, stashes of packets of viagra — we never ever needed to use that! He lies about the frequency of seeing her,even the length of the affair. How do you turn off the mind movies in your head and how do you hold it together for kids, family and friends over Christmas.
I feel like a wild animal in a tiny cage. I just want him to be honest, talk to me, soothe my anxiety and help me make sense of it and help me feel safer and better. I so want to trust him but he says I am doing the opposite and always trying to catch him out. I tried stepping back, putting on a normal face and being loving.
I reach out to him, I initiate all our emotional and physical connections but he takes sleeping pills to ensure he can avoid me. I just want him to put his arms around me and say its going to be ok. I want him to understand the stages of healing and to be patient and kind to me but instead I feel like I am doing the penance for his crime. The nights are the worse because I cant sleep, I just obsess about every details and read non stop about healing from affairs. I dont know but I think apathy which I feel even now after 16 months is a form of protecting ourselves from further pain.
It is completely normal…go easy on yourself. It truely is a marathon and you either end up saying enough or you move on with it. I am convinced however that this underlying pain is here to stay forever. Its always just below the surface and I am questioning if I want more then this for myself. I wonder how these phases play into my situation. However, I discovered that the affair had continued. Almost monthly I would discover the affair had continued foll. I think I hit all these everday for the last two weeks. I know it will get better and it has, it is just a matter of time and her earning my trust back!
She knows this is going to be an uphill battle but I am grateful that she recognizes this, we both do. First I want to start by saying thank you, you guys have been such a great blessing and help for me. I read this article because it was about grief, which I feel like I am going through right now, a mere 8 days beyond D-Day.
However unlike the grief I went through when my mom died, this is one I cannot share with my friends and coworkers. I can not take a week off work, or even a day to deal with it. And of course, the person who otherwise would be my comfort during a time of mourning is the one who caused it. It is killing me. Luckily I was able to start therapy this week- for me- to help me learn how to cope and what I want to do next.
Oh Cal, I remember how truly hard the first days are after discovery. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Thanks so much for writing this. I really needed the validation. Had a tiny hint of suspicion in the past, but always thought it was due to my truly suspicious nature after my first marriage of 20 disastrous yrs. I had to have photos to prove it to myself with the 1st husb. That would actually make it easier this time. Cheaters lie so well. But I know… I know. I just found out about a series of affairs my wife of 23 years has been having over the past 12 months.
She has admitted to me that she has slept with 5 different men. It has shaken me so hard that I have fallen down and then the tsunami swept me away, but I am somehow still alive amidst the devastation of what once was a storybook marriage. And you are sure she has taken every precaution? Or, are you willing to risk your health? So sorry for your terrible revelation. If you somehow find the ability to forgive your W and eventually find yourself in a healty and happy marriage, by all means document the process and offer for a modest fee to share it with others. You may find yourself wealthier than you ever imagined.
She has taken no precaution. I was stil making love to her during her affairs, not knowing she was seeing other men. What else can go wrong. To top it all off, last Monday I got laid off from my job after almost 3 years. This has been some hell on earth for me. I have been rocked to my core. It would be a blessing right about now, but I know I cannot give up. Those were just thoughts. Reality is I have a Son and a family to live for should it all fall apart any further. If there is any solice within this, that has to be it.
I feel like I have a ton of bricks on my chest sometimes. I got ativan from my Dr. I will not get hooked. He only gave me like 20 tabs. I am exercising and looking for work again. Just keep me in your prayers because although I was doing great spiritually prior to this, I am now kind of waivering in my spiritual walk. I do understand that wanting to die thing.
Been in your shoes. The exercise is a good step. Thank you for caring. Broken hearted…I am so sorry you find yourself in the club of betrayed spouses. We all know how much you are hurting but you do have alot to live for. Number one is your son who never asked to be mixed up in all of this selfishness caused by your wife. Hating God is a normal response sometimes when we question why a loving God would let us hurt so much.
I am sure he understands. I am so sorry about your job as well…just seems like alot all at once. The good news is that if you want to save your marriage it seems your wife has woke up from her cheating. Just take one day at a time right now and I am glad to hear you are taking care of your health…thats a hard thing to do when we just want to give up. I know money is probably tight right now but you can read alot on the internet and this forum that will help you in your journey ahead to healing.
You and your wife have alot of work to do. As much as I have no respect for cheaters that would include my husband I have to say it took guts for your wife to expose her cheating to the family. Remember it wasnt your fault…you did the right thing and remained faithful and true to your marriage vows. You have to talk and talk some more. You wife has to answer every question you want answered for as long and as many times as you need it.
She must be totally transparent…passwords to all social network sites, emails cell phones. Dont give up on yourself…. I know you cant see it now but many here have been where you are and have come out on the other side with a stronger marriage. Wow… You are an amazing person.
Thank you for your kind words and understanding. May God bless you in a thousand ways. Dear brokenhearted, I truly understand your anguish. I am 2 months post DDay. I have entered the different levels of anguish and despair. I to have questioned the Almighty many times. My Faith has helped me become more stronger and confident within myself. There are people in this life that understand my pain. Hopefully we will recover from this grief and lead more productive and enjoyable life. Atleast we can move on within ourselves.
We have that freedom. Those who made the dreaded choice to betray their covenant partners will be forever carrying a heavy chain around their hearts. We should not only pray for our recovery but also for the recovery of our mates. I am married to my spouse for 25 years. Anyway, like Dwayne said previously, we have to start a new day, a fresh start. I know its hard to forget the 25 years of devotion and dedication you poured into papa but its time to forget all that and begin fresh. What can i loose anyway at this point?
I must create a new one. We are married for 22 years Yes! It definitely ruined my self-worth and self-confidence. We tried marriage counselings and are struggling to keep it secret from our 2 precious sons and our parents because we want to work it out ourselves. But what can I do?
I tried to be more like him, or more of what I thought she was looking for, what she needed. Belinda, sorry to hear this. When you start to feel this shift, it means you are moving into the next stage of your affair recovery. Almost two years but I am so much far from recovering from that very day. More in touch with what makes us happy—what we need in a partner. Not Knowing What Happened Part 2:
It will be greatly appreciated. Dear Rose, how are you doing now… a few more months down the road? I think … since it is pretty much universal… it is normal for us to be experiencing these emotions. Some i know take 10 years to find a new normal. I dont like that idea… i already wasted But like it or not , healing comes slowly. We cant ignore it and hope it will go away.
Heck yeah we need to talk about it all the time— it was life shattering trauma. It destroyed everything we believed in, hope in, lived for except our faith- and even that was shaken. Some betrayed spouses actually have ptsd. D-Day has been 1year and 2 months already and although I am stronger than I was a few months ago, I still cry a lot. I wonder sometime, why did my H do this act of violence against me and the children…and I get no reply…I have only been loyal, faithful, dedicated and a devoted wife and mother to him and the children…. He wants to stay with me.
I am so devestated, the first week was like pure hell, I feel like he threw me and our family away. We agreed we dont want anyone to find out and to protect our children from this so I have no one to talk to. He tells me its over and that he loves me and will do anything to make our marriage work out.
He seems exasperated that I need to discuss the afair all the time and that I want to know why it happened. I think he can get OVER being exasperated! He should be able to deal with anything want to ask right now. Pretty lame, if you ask me. And you are grown-ups. He will have to be a man and own up to his transgressions. You have every right to feel devalued. Sad but true, I would tell him to belly up to the bar and Man Up!
Seriously, two weeks and he thinks it should all be behind you?? I dont think so…. Great advice from Broken2 and csb. All advice is good but is sometimes helpful for others but not for you and your H. Strongly suggest you get the same both jointly with your H and some separate sessions with the same counselor for both of you. Instead, concede that his reactions are normal but, unfortunately, are not helping what you guys are hopefully trying to accomplish which is to get past the affair and to establish a marriage that you are both happy in and wholeheartedly want to stay in.
God bless you for what you have ahead of you but have faith that there is realistic hope for healing, forgiveness and future happiness notwithstanding the occurrence of the apparent affair. I just read your post but I remember the feeling of hanging on by a thread and I wanted to get back to you tonight. First off I am 25 months post dday, 32 years married, my husband had an affair with a coworker. Right now you have only just begun the process of saving your marriage and it sounds like your husband is remorseful and willing to move forward with the process.
Your pain right now is overwhelming and I remember just barely being able to get through the day. First of all this is a LONG journey but you can get through it. You will be in denial and you will become angry and you will grieve for the marriage you no longer have because your husband let someone else enter that which was only shared by the two of you. You will make progress then you will go back wards but its all in the process and all normal. Your hubby lost the right to call the shots the moment he crossed that line into the affair. He must become totally transparent to you…that means he must let you know where he is,,,give up all passwords to any social networks, cell phone records…etc.
He must let you know that he knows and feels the immense pain he has caused you. He must be remorseful and sorry. He must be willing to put in the hard work and time necesary to heal from this nightmare and it takes anywhere from years not 2 weeks. Seek counseling if you can afford it and read as much as you can on the subject.
Remember you are not crazy and everything you feel now and are about to feel…its all normal. You have many decisions to make in the days ahead. I encourage you to put yourself first and know that you can get through it. Many come out on the other side of this a better couple. SadbutTrue — when I saw your post, I scrolled back to the beginning of this topic , and there was my post — when I was only 3 months post d-day!
I am here to tell you something I never believed when others here told me…you will survive this! It is not what you had planned for your life, but you are here now, so the challenge is to move forward. Like Broken2, I have been married a very long time — 30 years, together almost Just a few days ago we had another intense conversation with lots of tears and emotion.
Yes, I asked the same questions of him I did a year ago, I repeated the same concerns, etc. I wish you well, take it one day at a time, give yourself permission to grieve what you thought your relationship was! I sometimes wonder who was that person??? He does it for the sole purpose of helping me. Today he cringes whenthe subject comes up and tries to avoid it but in the end is is always a good thing when we talk.
You must talk about it because your life while the affair was occuring now seems like a joke. You have to be able in your mind to put back the pieces of your life and only your husband has those anawers. He needs to see the incredible pain he has caused you which comes out in those difficult conversations. It is raw right now and extremely rough. Of course he wont want to talk about the affair because who likes to be reminded of their failure over and over again.
Most cheaters like to put the affair in the past and we the BS cant do that for a long time. SOmetimes you have to back off a little and try and keep the conversations short and consise. AGree on a time limited for discussion and no yelling and screaming. As you continue to read you will see that many on this forum will tell you they dont have a reason why the affair happened….
Many will tell you they saw no signs, thier marriages were great yet this occured. She was just there at the right time.. Well, this was a great post and I printed it out as a reminder. One of the forays they had took place while we were out of town on vacation; she needed to get away from the hotel for awhile in a town none of us has ever ventured to, no less , only to return hours later claiming that she was lost but carrying a phone with GPS on it when she was really getting it on with the OM in other hotel across town.
And what was my thanks? Marrying someone who only regarded me as a financial safety net for her and the child she had with some ex boyfriend who dumped her months before. No man ever wants to be considered by their spouse as the third or fourth best person in the sack. And as for trust, forget about it. I cannot trust anyone who screws me over in that matter. Everytime the phone rings or her cell buzzes with a message, I have flashbacks of their affairs and I have a difficult time focusing on anything else.
DeJay — Does your W still have contact with the OM, has she committed to doing everything necessary to save your marriage? These stages are well and good but I would like to add one more. Long story short, I found out back in June that my soon to be ex husband was still on contact with his tramp. I threw him out but he begged and cried and I relented to go back to him. I knew in my heart it was just the last straw. I was just too emotional to move on at that time.
Fast forward a couple of months. I began to feel the unhappiness I had put out of my mind. Then one day I woke up and was in the Apathy Zone. What he said or did had no real meaning to me one way or the other. We went to the pool that day. He went off for a while, I realized since his Whore Phone was in the car, I had noworries, lol. I looked up, saw a slightly overweight, balding, middle aged man headed my way.
Oh, thats Prince Charming himself, the star of our own special little love triangle. I also ssw his girlfriend for exactly what she is. Lets not forget me. A slightly overweight, fifty something year oldwoman, looking kind of sad and lonely. What a pitiful sight we all were in my mind. Thats what adultery is, just a sad situation any way you look at it. I am only a little over two months since finding out about the affair.
My husband had an affair with one of my coworkers who was a good friend, so this process has been especially hard since I see them both constantly. He has been extremely forthcoming and remorseful which has been helpful to a point, but she has been the complete opposite: I was completely oblivious to the affair and thought we had a happy marriage so this whole thing has been very difficult for me. We had a very nice weekend doing a lot of fun things but my brain will not let me forget what happened between them.
Two months after D-day is no time at all. The bad news is that unless you are unlike any others who I have seen post on this blog, you will continue to feel the way that you do for quite a bit more time. Forget about the OW and how she has reacted to what has happened. Consider yourself very, very fortunate that your H has been forthcoming and remorseful and has not denied having ever done anything wrong. Hopefully, your marriage counselor can help each of you repair the damage that has been caused to your relationship and move forward with a relationship that is even better than it was before, the affair notwithstanding.
Now, as to having to continue to work at the same company as the OW, that seems like a tough one for me. My advice, however, is to not give in too quickly to all the bad feelings you have when you see the OW, which feelings I imagine you will be feeling for some time going forward. Julie, I agree with Mark, two months is not a very long time and it is healthy to feel all the emotions you are feeling right now. It is also normal to feel bad with you are having a enjoyable time with your husband. Unfortunately what you are feeling is fear. You know that you have experienced these good times in the past and it is hard to comprehend how your husband could cheat and if these experiences mean anything to him.
To be honest you will feel this way for a long time. The issue is your husband will have a difficult time with these episodes. He will not understand how your moods can change so quickly when you are doing so well. Again it is all about security and fear. When things are good and you are having fun you let your guard down, then you remember everything and all the pain both physical and emotional come shooting back.
I will tell you it does get better and when trust begins to be restored. If he admits to having an affair, ask him directly whether his relationship with the other woman is over. Choose whether you want to forgive your husband and stay married. If the two of you express a desire to make your marriage work, commit to rebuilding the relationship. Make it clear to him that he can earn your trust again only through his actions.
It is his responsibility to demonstrate to you that he is trustworthy. Deal with what has happened in the past so that you can move forward. Admit that it is possible that your husband has learned from his mistakes so that the two of you can develop a more intimate relationship. Talk openly about what happened. Share your feelings and listen to one other.
When both partners make the effort to recommit to the marriage, the outcome can be a stronger and more satisfying relationship than before, according to the Mayo Clinic website. Professional counselors are trained to facilitate communication between spouses. Counseling also gives your husband the opportunity to explore the reasons for his cheating. Even if your spouse is not willing to participate, you can still work through your own issues by seeing a counselor yourself.
A therapist can help you deal with the pain and anger you are feeling. Ask for additional support from relatives and friends. Confide only in those individuals whom you feel you can trust.